Saying Goodbye
by stelena-forever-and-okay
Summary: MAJOR ALLEGIANT SPOILERS AHEAD!DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ALLEGIANT! Tobias Eaton is still dealing with the death of his friends and lover. Will he ever be able to say goodbye? Oneshot.


**Hey! Okay, this is my first Divergent fanfic, so it might not be the best thing ever. But I worked hard on it and I hope that you enjoy it.  
AN: This is all from Tobias' POV until you see it switch for a bit at the end.**

**MAJOR ALLEGIANT SPOILERS AHEAD! DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU'VE READ EVERY SINGLE DIVERGENT BOOK!**

My eyes begin to water again, but I won't _dare _spill my tears until I'm alone with my thoughts. I cannot, will not cry now. Not in front of Zeke, or Cara, or Peter, or Caleb. Not until I'm by myself or at least alone with Christina. We've gotten remotely close ever since..._her _death. We're definitely not dating like Cara thinks we are. We're just...really close friends. Christina is the closest person to me that knows exactly what I'm going through. We both lost people to get the future we have now. A future without factions. A future without war. A future that doesn't get Divergents killed like they used to. Christina knows this. We've talked about it a lot. Even though the future we have now is one I never even dreamed of having, it still hurts. This new happy future doesn't make up for what and who was lost in the process. I lost my friends. Christina lost hers. I lost the one person I ever managed to _truly _love, the _one _person that was always there for me.  
I still can't believe she's gone.  
I remember when they told me. I had just gotten back from Chicago when Cara told me what happened. That Tris didn't make it. That she was killed before she could see her own victory. That she went into the Weapon's Lab instead of Caleb. God, I should've _known _she would've gone instead of Caleb. He may have betrayed her, but at the end of the day, he _was _her brother.

She always said she wasn't selfless. For as long as I've known her, she called herself selfish. She left Abnegation because she thought she was selfish.  
She was dead wrong.  
Tris Prior was the most selfless person I have ever met. She sacrificed herself to save the same person that tried to get her killed in the first place. I would _never _be able to do that. Like if my father, Marcus, was being sent to die, I wouldn't go instead of him. I would even think that he deserved it, which is what I thought about Caleb. At the time, I didn't think that Tris would go in his place. But she did. Why did she have to go and leave me here? Leave me without her warmth, or her touch, or any piece of her at all. She knew that I loved her, but she risked her life anyway.  
Then again, Christina must feel the same way.  
Christina, just like me, has lost people that she was dating or really close friends with. First there was Will, who Tris had to kill to save herself. I'm pretty sure that Will was Christina's first boyfriend, considering that before she came to Dauntless, she was an annoying Candor smart-mouth.

I didn't know Will very well, but Christina did. His death really hit her hard, but she seemed okay again soon after.  
Thanks to Uriah.  
I don't know if they officially dated or anything, but I did know that they grew really close when we first arrived at the Bureau of Genetic Welfare. They were always talking and smiling at each other. Well, that was all typical Uriah. He was a nice guy.  
Until I killed him.  
It's my fault that he's dead. If I had never joined that stupid resistance, he might still be alive. If I had never helped Nita, that wall might have never exploded, and Uriah wouldn't have gone into a coma.  
Everything is _my fault_.  
If I hadn't left Tris alone at the Bureau, then maybe she wouldn't have gone to the Weapon's Lab instead of Caleb. Maybe she would have lived. Maybe she would have been sitting right next to me; choking back a sob and squeezing my hand. Maybe we would have mourned together. Mourned Edward, who after being stabbed in the eye and becoming factionless, only to be killed during a demonstration. Mourned Tori, who simply wanted to avenge a brother that didn't even turn out to be dead in the first place and who helped Tris with her Divergence, only to be killed while escaping Chicago. Mourned Uriah, who was always such a good friend to us and who helped comfort Christina after finding out about Tris killing Will, only to be killed in an explosion. An explosion _I _was a part of.

But instead I sit here without her. With Christina sitting where Tris would have been. Instead I mourn Tris, whom I trusted enough to take through my fear landscape. Tris, who believed in me when no one else did. Tris, who I loved with my whole heart. Tris, who's bright eyes, warm smile, and kind heart always made me happy even when I was at my worst. Tris Prior, who now lies dead in a box in front of me. She won't spend forever in there though. In about two years, they plan to dig her up and cremate her so that we can spread her ashes. I won't be here for the digging up though; I don't want to see her beautiful body all decayed. I don't want to see the girl I love be burned. I will be there at the spreading of the ashes though. I'm even going to be the one that spreads them.

I get up from my seat and pick something up from the empty seat beside me. I walk towards the box that holds the love of my life and kneel down, trying harder than ever to keep my tears inside of me. Zeke and Caleb back away a little bit, as if to give me a moment.  
"Hey, Tris," I whisper to the box. "I've been meaning to ask you something. Why? Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to sacrifice yourself? You didn't have to. No one asked you to. Why, Tris, why?"  
I guess she was Abnegation all along.

* * *

I walk into the Dauntless compound. It's one of the few places left untouched after everything that's happened. The Training Room looks the exact same. The punching bags are still hung, the clock's still ticking, the targets are in place; even the knives are still neatly arranged on the table. I grab three knives off of the table and throw one of them into the target's bulls eye. Then another. Another. I grab another set of three and throw those too. This is all I can do to let out my anger. Anger at Caleb for letting Tris sacrifice herself. Anger at myself for killing Uriah. Anger at David for being let off the hook for killing _her_. Anger at Tris for being so damn selfless. Anger at the world and the universe itself for letting my friends and girlfriend die.

I shake out of my thoughts when I realize that I've been gripping one knife's blade extremely tight. I drop the knife and see that my hand is stained with red. _  
Blood is a strange color_, I think to myself. I pick up another knife and look into it, staring at the blade which reflects the fluorescent lights above me. I use the blade as a mirror but am shocked at what I see. I see an eighteen year old boy with dark brown hair staring back at me. He has dark shadows under his blue eyes and looks like he hasn't slept in days, which he probably hasn't. He seems sad and angry and miserable with life.  
Sounds exactly like me.  
I bring the knife down a bit so that it's level with my abdomen. Then I inch it closer, bit by bit.  
I barely feel it when the knife goes in. The pain can't even compare to the pain I've been feeling these last couple days. I know that I shouldn't do this. I know that I'll leave my parents without their son and I'll make Christina lose yet another friend. But all I can think about is _her._ About how I might see her again in whatever happens after death. About how we'll spend forever together.  
I'm so deep in thought that I don't feel myself fall onto the cold cement ground. Darkness is beginning to overwhelm me. My eyes begin to weigh down, trying to ensnare me in the oncoming darkness.  
"Tobias! _Tobias!_" a voice shouts.  
Only one person ever called me that name on a regular basis.  
"Oh my God, Tobias, _wake up_! Please! Please! Wake up _now_!"  
Only one person was ever that persistent.  
"Come on! Tobias, _please_!"  
Only one person's voice sounded like that. I open my eyes.  
"Tris?"  
She takes a sigh of relief. "I thought I lost you."  
I shake my head. I can't believe she's here. I stare at her in complete and utter awe. She's wearing black clothes. _Dauntless clothes_. Clothes that she was always meant to wear. Her blonde hair is short and it forms a somewhat halo around her small face. She smiles.  
"Well then...hey, I guess. I miss you, you know," she says quietly.  
"I...I miss you too. You don't know how much," I reply.  
"I think I do. Listen, I want you to do me a favor."  
"Anything," I say, because it's true.  
"I don't want you to do this," She points at the stab wound in my chest, "okay? I want you to live a long, happy life. I want you to find a girl and I want you to fall in love with her. I want you to get married and maybe have a few kids of your own. I want you die at an old age. I don't want you to have dark brown hair when you die, like you do now. I want you to have white hair. I don't want you to die young or to die right here, right now."  
"But Tris I...I can't be with someone that isn't you," I beg.  
"Yes you can. And if you do me this favor, I promise that I will _always _keep an eye on you. I'll always be here, giving you little signs once in a while so you know I'm there."  
I brush a stray hair away from her face and push it behind her ear. "But I _need _you. I can't live without you."  
"Yes you can. And you will."  
She leans down and entraps me in a searing kiss full of sadness and despair.  
"It's time for me to go, Tobias."  
"No, don't go. Please," I beg.  
"I wish I could stay. But I can't. You know that."  
I sigh. Of course I know that.  
"So this is it?" I ask.  
"I guess so. Goodbye, Tobias. I will _always _love you. No matter what. I hope you don't forget me," she says.  
The next thing I know is that I'm lying on the cold ground in the Training Room.  
"Never," I whisper, only to come to my senses and realize that she's gone.  
I get up without bothering to pick up the knife I used to stab myself. I turn to leave and am about to go when I hear glass shattering. I turn around and find broken shards right underneath the clock. I look up and find a knife stuck on the clock's face. It takes me only a second to realize the number it's on.  
Months ago, Tris and I were talking about her fear landscape. I had four fears in mine and she had six fears in hers.  
That's the number that the knife landed on.  
_6_.  
I choke back a sob and then look at the shards; only to discover that the broken pieces were rearranged to form a certain shape. Or rather a number.  
_4._  
_Six and Four._  
Tris. She was really here.

* * *

_One Year Later_

I walk towards the graves of my friends, my eyes scanning the tombstones to find who I'm looking for. Then I find it, standing in-between two tombstones, one belonging to Tori Wu and the other belonging to Uriah Pedrad. I kneel in front of Tris' tomb before setting down the red roses I brought for her.  
"I brought you flowers," I whisper, grateful that I'm alone. "So...you, um, told me to call you Beatrice on special occasions. I guess that this sort of counts. So, hey Beatrice. Listen, I...I just wanted to say thank you. After my mother faked her death, I thought that I wouldn't be able to love anyone and that no one would ever be able to love me ever again. Not even Marcus. Like I told you, I was planning on leaving Dauntless and becoming Factionless until I met you. After my mother left, you were the first person I let into my life. Words cannot express how much I fell in love with you, Beatrice. How much I still love you. Thank you for...for teaching me that it's okay to love. That it's okay to let people into your life. Thank you for showing me how to _really _be brave. And selfless. And smart, and honest, and kind. If I never met you, God knows where I would be right now. Maybe dead. So...thank you."

**(Tris' POV)**

I watch him as he kneels by my tombstone and I listen intently to what he's saying. I never thought I would miss him so much until now. When he says that I taught him to be brave, selfless, smart, honest, and kind, I just remember when he showed me his tattoos. When he told me who he wanted to be. I walk over to him and smile sadly. I so desperately wish that I weren't here, that I were with him instead.  
"Thank you, Tobias," I whisper, fully aware that he can't hear me.

**(Tobias' POV)**

I look directly at the stone again before finally letting out the tears that I've kept inside of me since her death. I think back to the last time I saw her. That was exactly one year ago today. One year since I last looked into her eyes. One year since I last shared a kiss with her. One year since I heard the sweet chime of her voice. One year since she said goodbye. At the time, I couldn't say the words that she mustered up the courage to say. I couldn't say those two simple words.  
But today I would.  
"I will _never _stop loving you. I won't forget you. I can't. You were always a fire when you were alive. You were the fire that lit up my life, even during its darkest moments. Even in death, you're that fire. And you always will be. Goodbye, Tris. I hope you never forget me," I say, the words finally being let out after being imprisoned for a year. She will always be in my heart; alive or not. But this goodbye was one that needed to be said sooner or later. She was dead, long gone, and never to return. But she was that fire. Crazy or not, that type of fire never died.  
And in his heart, it never would.

**I hope you liked it! Reviews are appreciated!**


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